The world sure do change quick now, don’t it? When I was a little girl on the family farm in Plano, Texas, there wasn’t a movie house for over a hundred miles in any direction. Now one of my grandkids can push a few buttons on the remote and part of the wall will show me the story of a talking bear from England — didn’t even put in a CD! So, I figured it would be helpful for others long in the tooth such as me to know the history of how all this dark magic wizardry they call “Streaming” got started — what I can recall, anyhow.
With movies like Lady Bird, Eighth Grade, mid90s, and Honey Boy, who could deny that we’re living in an indie filmmaking renaissance for people who are already incredibly famous for acting? It’s never been a better time for rich actors to dip their financially-cushioned toes into the waters of writing and directing and, assuming that this is being read exclusively by famous actors, there’s nothing stopping you from joining the renaissance too!
These generals are highly decorated military officers who have seen more than their fair share of both the battlefield and the cineplex. If you’re going to make it in Hollywood as a screenwriter, you need their official approval. (CLICK TITLE FOR FULL ARTICLE)
"Network, network, network. It’s never too early to start. I had a hypnotherapist session that awakened a pre-birth memory to when I was just a soul floating around in heaven. Even then, I knew that asking St. Peter to be Steven’s baby nephew was a very necessary maneuver. Right uterus, right time." (CLICK TITLE FOR FULL ARTICLE)
When your 1st AD drops a hastily prepared document on your desk and says, “I need thirty copies of this, double-sided, stapled, in color, collated, lightly dunked in Pamplemousse La Croix,” there’s no time to struggle with what button to hit. You’ve gotta be the finest technician on the Star Trek Enterprise. (CLICK TITLE FOR FULL ARTICLE)
SECRET #2 — It’s how you sip it that counts
Nobody likes a slurper. It’s loud, it’s distracting, it’s super gross. Word on the street is that Charlie Kaufman has had trouble getting his last couple projects off the ground due to his knack for being a noisy sipper. “Hell, we’d love to make another story about a sad white dude with a quirky job but why does it sound like you’re using that water bottle as a bong?” (CLICK TITLE FOR FULL ARTICLE)
1. Rent Money
Let’s face it, rent in LA is sky high and getting that paid every month can be a struggle for your low people on the totem pole — Trust me! So why not take whatever money you were going to spend on wrap gifts and just give your crew what they really need: Cold Hard Cash. Maybe also give your poorest assistant-types slightly more? I dunno, just brainstorming. (CLICK TITLE FOR FULL ARTICLE)
DDL: Do you think life is fair, little website newspaper boy? Do you think the child performers on the stage that night will grow up to treat this planet even one iota better than the silly oafs who birthed them? In fact, had the children properly prepared, the courageous Dorothy and Wicked Witch of the West would never have burst into tears and ruined their makeup.
3. Hang out by the back dumpster and wait for them to take out the trash
A lot of you over-pampered Millennial wimps might find this stupid, but waiting quietly behind a dumpster until a sad employee comes out with some garbage is another surefire win. Just grab that exit door after this dweeb comes outside and — ZIPPITY BOOP — you’re in. Obviously if you’re spotted, you gotta knock the employee out, steal their uniform, and go enjoy some movies before they wake up. (CLICK ON TITLE FOR FULL ARTICLE)
I watch as little of a movie or show as possible. Never more than five minutes. Otherwise I have way too many details to work with and it hurts my head. (CLICK TITLE FOR FULL ARTICLE)
4. FLEE THE COUNTRY AND CHANGE YOUR NAME
I hear France is nice this time of year. International flights aren’t cheap, but hey, it’s a one-way ticket. Tell your family you’re going to ‘find yourself’. This should buy you about a month before they start getting super concerned. As far as names go, Eiffel Von Frenchman is a decent option for a guy and for a woman we like Antoinette Baguette. (CLICK TITLE FOR FULL ARTICLE)
While The Salmon Pages was turned down several times by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences when we requested access to interview the nominees as they walked the red carpet, we did have the unique honor of speaking with the colorful crowd of individuals screaming at them on the other side of Hollywood Boulevard across the police barrier.
Well, he’s done it again, everyone. Christian Bale stars in the bleak period drama Hostiles, presenting the world with yet another unbelievable facial hair transformation. Is leaping back and forth between such varying facial hair styles healthy for the beloved actor? We trust that he’s consulting with expert hair stylists, but whether or not it’s safe, there’s no denying the power that each new mustache, goatee, or even full beard has on the screen. (CLICK TITLE FOR FULL ARTICLE)
Every movie or TV pilot needs to start off with an awesome and informative musical montage: How does your protagonist brush their teeth? What kind of car do they drive? Do they run on a treadmill much? Make sure to set it to a hoppin’ beat like “We Built This City” by Starship. The King’s Speech didn’t start with a montage and that’s why it’s so confusing. (CLICK TITLE FOR FULL ARTICLE)
#3. DOUG FROM ACCOUNTING:
Thank god, right? Doug’s the worst. He’s always late with checks which wouldn’t be a huge deal if he wasn’t always picking food out of his teeth with a toothpick in the break room. “We’re out of toothpicks again!” And stop showing us your stupid sword collection, you weirdo. Ugh… I will not miss this guy. (CLICK TITLE FOR FULL ARTICLE)
Have you ever been away from your work desk and felt that icky ‘not at work’ feeling? Gross, right? Well, worry no more! A new company called Forever Work has developed a state-of-the-art workstation called ‘The Body Desk’ that ensures you’ll never have to suffer the oppression of ‘free time’ ever again.
Caught in a scandal, super famous, and not sure what to say? Well apparently this situation has become so common that the studios have gone to self-described “apology expert” Barry Bonsai to help smooth over everything from glaring pay discrepancies to sexual harassment allegations. “Believe it or not, I’ve been apologizing since I was two years old,” says Bonsai, “I can’t exactly prove it, but I’ve probably said the words ‘I’m sorry’, I dunno, ten billion times? I was an incredibly clumsy child.”
I’m writing this letter to you today to convince you that this hysteria is unfounded and that currently there’s a 9-millimeter pistol pressed up against my temple by a lunatic. (CLICK TITLE FOR FULL ARTICLE)
Following in the footsteps of such British TV show mega-hits as Downton Abbey, Sherlock, Dr. Who, and The Crown, newcomer Tea Cup Manor is said to be ‘the most Britishy’ TV show ever, according to its creators hailing from Los Angeles. The show revolves around Egmund Stewthrottle, a young butler who serves the wealthy Kentington Family in the titular Tea Cup Manor. But that’s not all: Egmund isn’t merely a butler. He’s also a time-traveling fugitive who falls deeply in love with women constantly and wears many disguises.
2. Go to work dressed up as one of your favorite characters
Who wouldn’t want to catch up on Game of Thrones after seeing your hand-crafted Jon Snow outfit in the middle of a work meeting? When your coworker sees the powerful effect a fur coat and a longsword has on the meeting, he’ll realize it is he who truly “knows nothing” (CLICK TITLE FOR FULL ARTICLE)