Barry Bonsai, Ghost Writer of Celebrity Apology Letters

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Caught in a scandal, super famous, and not sure what to say? Well apparently this situation has become so common that the studios have gone to self-described “apology expert” Barry Bonsai to help smooth over everything from glaring pay discrepancies to sexual harassment allegations. “Believe it or not, I’ve been apologizing since I was two years old,” says Bonsai, “I can’t exactly prove it, but I’ve probably said the words ‘I’m sorry’, I dunno, ten billion times? I was an incredibly clumsy child.”